the no plan, plan

It’s the simple truths that you want to watch out for.


They are the ones that can ambush you, unsettle patterns and leave you reeling. I stumbled upon one of these truths. Or rather it found me.


Admittedly, I had put myself in harm’s way by going on a retreat with the Sisters of St Andrew community. I go there every few months for a bit of silence and solitude. I was after calm though, not disruption.


But I spent the first day prowling around this single uneasy question; ‘why do I feel like my life has not gone according to plan, like I have missed my calling?’ As I went to see ‘my nun’, Sr Marie Christine, I had a sense of reticence. I had no achievements or milestones to boast of. No major crisis to deflect attention from why I felt stuck. I didn’t want to be exposed as the servant in the ancient parable of the talents; the one who had not taken any risks with his master’s treasure but simply returned that which he’d been given. Disappointing.


The feeling wasn’t new. This had been a familiar theme, since I was 14. I remember being mesmerised by debonair, humorous, insightful preachers whose ability to galvanise the attention of their adoring audience was total. It was then when I decided my destiny. It was going to be big, global and deeply important. A cross between Billy Graham and the Secretary General of the UN would do the trick.


I explained all this to Sr Marie-Christine. I think she could tell from the absence of my own TV channel that things were not going according to plan. She looked at me fondly and asked, ‘Don’t you think it’s time to let go of what that 14 year old believed was right for your life?’ And there it was. The simple truth.


 I had exchanged allowing life to unfold with trust, intuition, and playfulness for a blueprint that a 14 year old boy thought was important. Part of me rushed to embrace the freedom of letting go. Part of me still held to the dream I cherished for so long. The questions that followed were equally penetrative; what else do I really want to do? How do I let go of old goals and find new ones? What if I end up a nobody? What other beliefs have limited my horizons?


The process of letting go of outdated beliefs and accepting who you are seems to me at the core of spiritual growth. I don’t think you can flourish as a person without it. Refusing this path is what Wayne Muller describes as ‘living out the curse of a decided life’.


 And to me, it was deeply personal.


 I had seen my own brother struggle for years with depression. A significant trigger for his depression (though not the only one) was a sense of failure; that he hadn’t achieved whatever his younger self defined as a worthwhile life. That sense of inadequacy gripped him more powerfully than I had imagined. Daniel never managed to reset his boyhood narrative. It owned him and slowly, it suffocated the life from him. 2 years ago, I got a call to say Daniel had committed suicide. The most devastating and irrevocable news I have ever received.


But I wager, it’s not just Daniel and I who face this challenge. I think it’s a universal journey. We all develop a way of seeing the world that serves a purpose to protect us or define us at an early stage in life. Every single one of us faces the same choice of whether to lift up the bonnet of our souls, identify beliefs that no longer bring life and be open to a new way of seeing ourselves. It comes down to a willingness to let our authentic selves emerge from the labels and expectations laid on us through life.


Will we show up in our own lives?


The truth is that I was never cut out to be a Ban Ki Moon or Billy Graham *who? I hear you ask*. One of my friends reminded me that really, I am a closet contemplative; someone who enjoys taking time to reflect on life and slowly understand God, myself and the world. This is not about accepting a diminished zest for life. It’s about walking into all that you were created to be.


This week, I took the first tentative steps toward embracing a new vision for my future; the no plan, plan. I have started a new job with the Mental Health Foundation www.mentalhealth.org.uk . It’s a completely different sector. I have no idea where it will take me but am up for a voyage of discovery.


Mark Rowland is a Director for the Mental health Foundation. He was raised in Rwanda and has worked in a range of international organisations in London and on the Thai Burma border. He has a son and fiancé and loves running.