Memories of my brother

My memories of Dan - who died aged 38 on 6th Oct 2013

'Don't be so ridiculous, Mark' were some of the words I would most commonly hear being nearly spat from Dan's mouth. It was usually in response to a preposterous idea or an all too obvious ruse.  Dan could be endearingly credulous.  You could spin him a yarn and he would nod along until he would come to his senses and shake off his natural preference to accept people and ideas at face value. 

I had a recurring joke with dan that despite his fulsome facial hair and my hair free baby face, that I in fact had more stubble than him when he was my age.  This line was stretching it when he was 18 but was clearly ludicrous when he was 38! Instead of casually dismissing me, he would launch into a thoroughly unnecessary defence that he was the Esau of the family and i was patently the Jacob. It always ended in him telling me how ridiculous I was.... I will really miss that flailing fist in my direction.  

Dan didn't feel the need to observe social conventions.  He was liberal and spontaneous with his use of affection. I would often find his nose nuzzling in my neck in a completely outrageous invasion of my personal space (which is saying something coming from me!).  When he was feeling in need of physical attention, he would sometimes cling to me in a sort of homo-erotic, full body hug. Only a brotherly battering would be able to prize him off me. 

He was also quite casual with Cohens physical well-being too. I remember Cohen agreeing to a pillow fight with his uncle, aged around 4. Dan took no time in leathering a pillow around Cohen's head and sending him sprawling. Dan was unusually confident that Cohen would rise again,smiling - which he (almost) always did.. But, it was Cohen's uncle Dan who amazingly caught Cohen when he fell from a tree on the same holiday after stepping on a rotten branch from a height I shouldn't have allowed him to reach. 

Dan would not ask permission to be him; I recall introducing my then wife to be to the family -  all was going well when Dan decided to lay in the middle of the floor with a pile of books underneath his head to get into the Alexander position - seemingly oblivious of those who were trying to work out if this was some weird Rowland rite of passage and if they had to follow suit....

It was his zany energy and creativity was what made Dan hilarious fun as a father and uncle. He was at his best when he was gallivanting into a wood, trousers tucked unedifyingly into his walking socks, setting clues for a treasure hunt or starting a camp fire. Adventure and fun were the themes of what seemed like dozens of holidays that Dan would organise for us and our boys. 

Of course Dan had a complicated relationship with clumsiness. We all knew he wasn't clumsy but it was also true that glasses did smash and plates did drop in and around Dans orbit. Dan would repeat the mantra that he wasn't clumsy and I didn't dare dispute that. In the end you had only to conclude that these inanimate objects were to blame for getting in Dan's way....

Dan had great intellectual curiosity. A  cursory glance at Dan's unopened mail since he died  revealed copies of the new internationalist, new statesman and third way - testament to his interest in international affairs, theology and social justice. He was a spiritual man with a reflective faith I admired. I loved sparring with him - secretly using debates with him to educate myself on everything from the 2008 credit crunch (i learnt what credit default swap was from Dan) to the role of the Mau Mau in colonial Kenya.  Post university, we even completed a huge chart of western philosophers with a summary of each thinkers key contribution since the renaissance. It was a wonderful product of Dans thirst for understanding.  Dan didn't see it but I was hanging onto his intellectual coat tails and am so grateful that he let me hang there....

It is embarrassing how wide Dans interests and skills lay. Accomplished sailor, tennis player and cyclist. A-grade student, amateur dramatist, photographer, drummer and guitar player. Fantastic chef and skilful artist. Resourceful Builder, carpenter and fantastic scout.  Devoted father and husband. What a panoply of gifts. 

Dan was also vulnerable. His vulnerability was to find in others reasons to doubt and undermine his self worth. Perhaps because of this, more than anyone I have known, Dan didn't put up a pretence or hide behind image. Instead Dan had depth of thought and true integrity. Dan never saw how precious his gift was to people; radically giving others permission to be who they really were and to let go of the image. And yet he couldn't extend to himself the acceptance he offered so freely to others. 

I will always remember being loved by Dan and how much I love and treasure him. Nothing ridiculous about that.