My Stress Footprint

Written May 2017 

Last month, I wrote a blog announcing stress as the theme of Mental Health Awareness Week.  

Reading comments on social media to a blog is always an interesting and sometimes sobering process.  Many agreed this is a theme that is overdue serious consideration.  But one comment stood out.  ‘Why don’t you consider the stress you cause, not just the stress you experience?’ the comment read.  

Next month we will be releasing the results of the largest and most comprehensive survey on stress in the UK.   It will undoubtedly find that a significant amount of stress we experience comes from the interaction we have with other people in our lives.  

So, I decided to do a very unscientific survey.  I wanted to know from colleagues, friends and family about the stress that I cause them, how often it happened and in what ways I could act differently in future. I sent half a dozen people (including my wife and son) the same set of questions.  It felt like a scary thing to ask.  How would I feel if people unloaded a stream of hitherto unexpressed grievances that served to undermine the potential of the relationship? Could I handle feedback about how I contributed to people’s feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed?  

Well, the results came in. One by one people gave me humbling and gracious feedback. I want to share what I learnt and invite you consider doing the same.

Lesson 1 – The vulnerability dividend 

Even though I felt vulnerable in asking for feedback (and I think others felt vulnerable giving it), people responded with kindness and honesty, not cruelty.  In every case, the feedback left me with a deeper sense of respect and trust for that person.  Vulnerability is often the gateway to greater levels of trust and by definition, there is no comfortable way of being vulnerable. However, it is that trust that can help to reduce stress levels in relationships because there is a stronger platform to raise concerns more openly.  

Lesson 2 – Spotting patterns 

The fascinating aspect which emerged from the people’s answers, was that it revealed patterns in how I react to events and the world.  For example, my wife cited the same dynamic every time a particular person visited our home.  It often led to tension and arguments and yet I hadn’t spotted the Ground Hog day nature of my reactions.  Human behaviour is often like that. We think we are responding fresh to each new situation when in reality, we are re-hashing learnt behaviour. Sometimes those patterns have emerged because they have worked in the past or we have been rewarded in some way. However, in repeating them or applying them in a new context, we fail to see the stress storm we leave in our wake.  Or at least I did.  

Lesson 3 – Managing my own anxiety   

It was humbling to read that it was often my reactions to small events or attempts to push through ideas or control outcomes that caused the most stress. It was often when I felt anxious about something that I would be most likely to pass that feeling on to others. Whether it was ambushing a colleague with an idea, or using my moany voice with my son to get him to hurry up with tying his shoe laces*, it was me passing on my worries to others. Being able spot and manage my own anxiety and not be controlled by it feels like the holy grail toward reducing my stress footprint.  

Lesson 4 Learn to Rupture and repair  

The great news was that despite the examples of stress I’d caused, no-one used those examples as an opportunity to write me off. It’s obvious that avoiding all stress in long-term relationships is neither possible nor preferable.  For relationships to flourish, we need to learn how to move beyond the times when we bump up against each other and cause each other pain.  In one of the most relieving pieces of feedback, my son said what he found helped most was when I’d tuck him into bed and take time to say sorry for getting frustrated.  That reconciliation process (or the ability to let go and forgive) is what therapists call the rupture and repair process. I’d argue it is a vital part of preventing stress building up to chronic levels.  

This Mental Health Awareness Week, why not try taking stock of your stress footprint? It might just be the best way to lower your own stress.  

*my 11-year-old son’s feedback was that he felt stressed when I complain at the time he takes to tie up his shoe laces. I asked him how that made him feel. ‘Sad at first’ he said. ‘Then angry!’ Why don’t you tell me how you feel, I asked? ‘Because that would just make you worse!’  Now, that’s what I call feedback!  

ENDS  

Mental Health; personal and political

(written in May 2017)

Like all social movements, the Mental Health crisis is both personal and political ….

The Mental Health Foundation’s singular focus is finding and addressing the sources of mental health problems.  We are an organisation for all faiths and none, but as I look at the issue of poor mental health through the lens of my own faith, I find a parallel from Jesus’ approach in meeting the challenges we face today.  

Mental Health Awareness Week this year gave us the opportunity to ignite a national conversation about the importance of supporting good mental health. Reaching over 90 million people during the week, we asked one question: are we ‘Surviving or Thriving?’  

There are two strands in our journey towards a mentally thriving nation. The first is the personal, the things we can all do to better understand our mental health and know how to protect it.  This is a skill we are only just learning to master.  We often forget that just as with physical health there are things we can do that will make a real difference to sustainable and stable good levels of mental health.  The second part of the equation though is political; it is about the choices we are making as a society that impact our mental health.  This Mental Health Awareness Week we wanted to reflect on both the individual steps and political action necessary to prevent ourselves becoming ill but also to enable more of us to thrive in life with good mental health. 

Good mental health is about much more than just the absence of mental health problems; it is the capacity of each and all of us to feel, think, and act in ways that enhance our ability to enjoy life and deal with the challenges we face. It is living life to the fullest (see John 10v10), fully engaging with our communities, families and friends while feeling able to cope with the stresses and challenges everyday life brings.  

The quality of our relationships and strength of our connections with those around us are one of, if not the biggest predictor of health across our life course, both physical and mental. Those with stronger relationships live longer, happier lives with fewer mental and health problems than those without. The ongoing Harvard Study of Adult Development proving this is almost 80 years old and serves as a rallying call for us to embrace our communities. 

The evidence points to religious and spiritual practice being a protecting factor in decreasing the risk of mental health problems.  Certainly, the scriptures contain great depths and richness which we can apply to our own lives and provide solace and comfort.  For example, the most often repeated phrase in the biblical canon is ‘Do not be Afraid’ which is a good starting point in any discussion around positive mental health.  

However, Jesus’ life also contained a political call to action in his attempt to challenge the vested interest and hegemony of the Sadducees who had accumulated wealth and privilege under Roman rule. His repeated call for greater social justice and in turning over the tables in the centre of the Sadducees power was an example of Jesus not accepting the status quo that excluded the many in favour of the few. 

And we too must ask what turning of the tables means in terms of mental health - especially when our mental health awareness week study found striking inequality; the poorer you are, the more likely you are to experience mental health problems.  We have a duty to look beyond placing the onus on the individual to build their resilience so as to not experience problems, and set our sights on the deeper problems and inequalities in society that are putting people at disproportionate risk in the first place. 

At the Mental Health Foundation, we challenge the idea that high levels of stress and anxiety are simply the price we pay to keep our lives on track.  Alongside equipping ourselves to understand our mental health better, we must turn the tables on excessive expectations, poverty and inequality that for so many undermines good mental health. Now, more than ever, we need to find ways of building our collective resilience, supporting each other to thrive. 

To find out more about the Mental Health Foundation’s work and how you can support us in our mission, visit  

Mark Rowland is the Director of Communications and Fundraising and the Mental Health Foundation. [photo headshot available]